[18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

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LadyLizard
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[18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:36 am

Image Sam never intended to leave his family.

That was the God honest truth. He would admit that he wanted to leave the life they led. It drove him absolutely crazy not to have friends, not know what it was like to stay in one place for more than a few months, to feel like he had a home outside of their father's car. He wanted something he could call his own; and he understood why his brother and father didn't think it was wise. It was dangerous. He didn't realize that until he was truly and well on his own. One thing was to be paranoid and cautious and another was to understand that despite how it seemed-no one could actually fully get away from monsters.

It didn't matter how hard he tried, it didn't matter how hard anyone tried, the supernatural would touch their lives somehow even if they never knew it. He envied the people who never found out. Who lived their entire lives mundane and never knowing what lurks into the dark. And hell, even during the day. Monsters were sneakier than that.

But..he'd come to realize that was just not his lot in life.

And that wasn't to say he gave in easy. Not by any means. He fully intended to go to Stanford and learn law, to marry someone and have a picket fence life, and never think of what he was raised to be. He managed two years of it, worked his ass off in school, and thought he was doing good.

That is, until a demon decided to fuck it all up. There were things that had made him itch to grab salt or iron before while in school. Weird stories that didn't match up on the newspaper, funny dorm jokes about cold spots in old buildings, things he knew others didn't realize were signs of the supernatural. But he never let himself look into it. Instead he fled to the library, to his room, or class. But demons? Possessing students? Yeah..that wasn't something he was going to sit idly by and let happen.

And maybe he knew that it was too good to be true; lying to himself about who he was. In the end it had felt good doing what he knew best. He got rid of the monster, made friends because of it, and it opened floodgates he hadn't been prepared for. Turns out the demon hadn't come over on a whim. No they were looking into disposing of a cluster of witches on school. Just kids..like him. With natural affinities for magic. Not bad people by any means.

He'd known, of course, since he was a child. That he was different and special. A freak. It left a cold, slimy feeling in the pit of his stomach when he thought about it. He could do things that no normal human should. And everything his Dad taught him meant that he was a monster. To be put down and hunted for doing freaky things he had no control over. He suppressed it and it worked. Except not really. Those sort of things come back and bite you in the ass.

One moment he's fine and the next he's lit his living room on fire because apparently he can light shit on fire with his mind-what the fuck?? He hadn't actually meant to set his history book on fire. He'd just been frustrated with his term paper. Once he'd managed to make it die down, he'd been completely ready to chalk it up to stress. He was going to push it to the back of his mind once again.

Except the next time it happened, it was in public. And of course he was by no means alone. Thankfully it just looked like some weird thing. Someone said something offensive and instead of chugging their drink, they were choking on soap that suddenly appeared in their mouth. It was stupid. He hadn't even realized it was his fault until he realized he'd been thinking about wiping the smirk of their face and washing out their mouth like his Dad always threatened to do to him when he got snappy.

Of course, it was enough to do two things. One: make him realize he needed to control whatever this was. Two: make someone else realize he needed to control it.

And while he was totally surprised by the random guy who approached him on his way back to the dorm one night, in the end he realized just how much help he needed. He couldn't do this on his own despite his own pride. And he couldn't go to anyone he did know would know about it. What if they wanted to kill him? He couldn't do that.

Of course, he just wanted to control it, so he could make it stop. In the end, he didn't expect to find out that he didn't want it gone, and that he was probably better off figuring it out sooner than later.

---

Two years later and law school was the last thing he was thinking about. At first, he hadn't wanted to let it go, his old plans. But he didn't actually want to be a lawyer. A part of him had thought that maybe it was a good way to be useful; his Dad and Dean would definitely need a lawyer one day. Maybe other hunters. But it wasn't enough for him. In fact, it was boring.

But he wasn't going to give up a full ride to Stanford, the life he had built for himself here, the friends he had managed to make despite all odds. So, he'd changed his major. It was easier than he thought, to find a focus.

Linguistics and linguistical anthropology left the doors wide open for what he was interested and already knew. It made sense, considering his aptitude for languages, and his inteterests in human interactions.

Also, it meant that while he wasn't studying and learning and enjoying himself, he was learning magic. He realized just how biased some hunters could be. Magic was dangerous, and those who sold their souls or got their magic from demons, they should be reprimanded. But white magic? Magic that came from a human's soul, from the Earth, wasn't something that could be discarded or thrown away.

And maybe he didn't do anything too spectacular with it. He didn't go around using his magic to fight monsters or save the world. As far as most people were concerned, he was a normal guy, and he liked it that way. But the other witches, the people who realized he could be helpful instead of scary, they knew. He ended up helping hunters through the grapevine, had plenty of books, and knowledge. It seemed fair that he helped others help themselves while he didn't need to go back to the life.

And yeah, he thought about Dean and his Dad. He wondered if they ever thought about him. Especially when he eventually got in contact with Bobby-by mistake-and the older man insisted he at least try to contact them. He never did, though, too afraid. He was exactly what he never wanted to become; their enemy.

Of course..he should have realized that Bobby wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. It was no wonder that his Dad fought with the guy.

---

He was supposed to be expecting someone. A hunter, which was new, to be honest. They didn't normally come to him directly. Usually he passed on information, emails, or books in the mail if the need was great (though he tended to hoard his books and not give them away come on). But Bobby had insisted. Apparently the guy needed someone who was versed in old Assyrian cuneiform. And while Sam wasn't exactly an expert, he could hold up his own well enough

But the guy was paranoid. And clearly the guy was looking to solve something and keep it a secret because he didn't intend for anyone else to find out. He was sent to Sam directly and they would hash out the details on their own.
He knew the type, of course, having lived with his father. He didn't let anyone but Sam look into their hunts when they were working on something together. Sam had only agreed because it was summer and he was interested despite himself.

He'd finished his degree that last semester. He was still working as a TA for the Latin classes at Stanford but grading papers for summer students didn't take very much time off his hands. He had plans to work on a study with a few people once school started again but for now he had actual time to do whatever he wanted. He wasn't entirely sure what he planned to do with his degree except for plans with other people he'd vaguely spoken about. Maybe teach, he didn't know yet. And it felt good to have the choice.

After taking a shower and watering the plants around his house like he did every few days (it was seriously hard not to kill all plants in his vicinity, because magic did that sometimes, so he purposefully kept them around to fight it; so far only a dozen plants had died in the last two years), Sam made himself breakfast. The guy had agreed to meet him at the cafe nearby at noon, because he was not about to let a stranger and hunter at that, into his house.

Eventually, he made his way there, bundled up in a loose t shirt and jeans, with a green jacket. A beanie sat on his head where his hair was growing shaggy now. He gave the usual barista a smile as he got his typical order without him having to say anything and sat down at the far corner with his back to the wall. If he were honest, he'd admit he was a little nervous. He never worked with anyone this close to home and Bobby had mentioned that he didn't say he was a witch to the hunter. So, he was well aware that he had to be cautious.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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LadyLizard
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:37 am

Dean had always told himself that he'd keep an eye on Sam. And while they were growing up, he'd managed to do that. Whether they were on hunts or taking some time off, Dean made sure his little brother was as safe as he could keep him. Then Sam got to be an adult and decided he wanted out. So Dean pretended he was happy Sam was abandoning them, and in a way he was, because very few people wanted to make a career out of Hunting. Those who did usually didn't last long anyway.

So, yeah, it was good that Sam got away from the hunting life, because people tended not to last long. But not even checking back with his family every once in a while? Dean hated that. And somewhere along the road he lost contact with Sam, didn't even know if he was still at Stanford or not. If he was, he could very well be using a fake name. Dean wouldn't blame him a bit for doing everything he could to get away from hunting.

But it still felt lonely, having Sam gone all of a sudden. His relationship with John had suffered a little, and they weren't as close as they had been when Dean was a kid, but Dean made sure to call every Saturday just to make sure his dad was okay. Even if they were on different sides of the country, he'd be damned if he managed to lose everyone he'd known growing up. Of course neither of them had ever heard anything from Sam. After the first year or so, Dean had stopped asking every time he and John talked. It got a little too painful.

The up side to the separation, if there was one, was that Dean got a hell of a lot of experience in the field. Whether he was working on his own or with some other hunter, he got pretty good at sending things to the grave, or back there, in some cases. He'd made some friends, lost some people, and had entirely given up any idea that he'd be anything else than a hunter in an early grave. If it weren't for the fact that he'd tried to behave for Sam's sake, he would have been a high school dropout, and as it was there weren't many choices available to him that paid anything more than minimum wage. Hunting didn't put much money in his pocket, but it beat flipping burgers.

So he collected scars and bad memories and went on with his life like he'd never expected to get anything else out of it anyway. Cases came and went, and he managed to save some lives, even if he did let a couple people down. As far as the scales went, though, he preferred to think that he'd done more good than bad. Even if it was just the wishful thinking of a pessimist, it was better than just outright assuming what he'd done wasn't worth anything. Besides, he'd been pretty successful along the way, as far as solved cases and rescued victims went.

But now Dean was stuck on something that was driving him crazy. He'd never been one for languages, especially since he couldn't even speak English properly before a few cups of coffee, and the hunt he was working on needed someone a little smarter than he was. Translating cuneiform was far from his area of expertise, especially stuff this old and complicated. He'd called Bobby, hoping to be able to stop by or email him some pictures, but Bobby had found a guy in Dean's area that could translate it. Someone who was trustworthy, which went without saying, but Bobby had been a little close-mouthed about the guy. And yeah, okay, that intrigued Dean as much as the cuneiform frustrated him.

He'd crossed the California-Nevada border, thankful the Impala's air conditioning held up in the desert. It was way too hot out here to not have a cooling system, but at least it was a little less humid than, say, Florida. Florida was absolute hell in the summer, even if you didn't get sucked into the tourist traps. As Dean got out of the car in front of a cafe, though, he swore under his breath at how hot things were. Well, there were small bonuses to meetings like this - no suits necessary. While fashion was about as popular as cuneiform with him, he at least didn't look like too much like a hobo in a faded Guns N' Roses t-shirt, jeans, and sunglasses. He had a messenger bag in the shotgun seat with the stuff he needed translated, as well as some extra paper and some pens, and he slung it over his shoulder as he shut the car door.

Dean got inside, taking off his sunglasses as the door closed behind him, and almost gave a sigh of relief at the sudden lowering in temperature afforded him by the shade and air conditioning. California was miserable in the summer. He didn't get how Sam could stand it over here, but maybe he moved east for the summer season. Dean certainly wasn't one to know, which did make him feel a little guilty. Maybe he could stop by Stanford after this hunt was over, see if he could charm somebody into telling him if his brother was still around. Not that Dean would be welcomed very warmly, if his brother had abandoned the family like he had. He'd kept a close eye on California obituaries, heard about some stuff that had been hushed up around Stanford, but he figured Sam had been more of a saviour than a victim. At least he hadn't turned up dead or missing yet.

But, Sam or not, Dean needed to focus on the guy he was about to meet. He pushed the bag's strap higher up his shoulder as he waited behind the guy ordering. He'd never liked wearing the strap over his head the way most people did, finding it too easy to be dragged around like that if something decided to try to take a chunk out of him. The man finally finished his order and Dean stepped up to the counter, digging a couple dollar bills and a fiver out of his pocket as the barista made his order. Although there was all kinds of choices on the menu, he stuck with his usual a triple espresso mocha. There weren't many chances for fancy coffee as a hunter, but it had been his favourite since he was a teenager.

Once he had his coffee in hand and he was stuffing his change back in his pocket, he finally looked around the cafe. There weren't too many people around, but the guy in the far corner looked a lot like... No way, no fucking way, had he just found Sam in a California cafe he'd come to for work. Real life was not that nice to people, especially hunters.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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LadyLizard
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:38 am

Sam was patient, especially when his coffee was warm, and his cream cheese and jam croissant was in front of him. He tore into it absently as he bummed around on his phone. He expected a call or text from the guy he was supposed to be meeting. Something. Although, to be honest, hunters were easy to pick out from any crowd. Either way, he'd told Bobby to tell the guy that he would be wearing a green jacket, and that he would be wearing a silver ring on his thumb. It was good enough, considering he figured Bobby told him his contact info.

In the mean time, Sam took off his beanie now that he was inside, and ran a hand through his hair. Biting a piece of croissant, he glanced up, gaze flitting over the cafe. Finding no one except a guy in a suit at the front, he looked back down at his phone.

The next time he looked up, his eyes caught sight of a leather jacket, and he couldn't help but follow the person's body and up with his eyes. Their band t shirt was nothing out of the ordinary in California but Sam's eyes got stuck on their chest at a familiar glint of metal.

He knew that amulet. He'd been the one who gave it to Dean when he was nine for Christmas. Blinking owlishly, he looked the rest of the way up, and swallowed around the piece of pastry suddenly stuck in his throat.

Shit. He was going to kill Bobby.

Putting his phone down, Sam wiped his hand on a napkin, and tried to look like he wasn't ready to bolt out of there. He couldn't believe this was happening. This wasn't a coincidence, he was too smart to think it was, and he was sure that Bobby was laughing his ass off in South Dakota.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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LadyLizard
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:38 am

Dean realized Sam was wearing the jacket and ring that his contact had said he'd be wearing. Bobby had to have known that his contact was Sam, but Dean couldn't think of why he hadn't mentioned it. Still, he wasn't about to complain about it. The realization that Sam was healthy and happy, by all appearances at least, left him feeling so relieved and shocked he almost dropped his coffee. What a way to give a guy a heart attack, Bobby. He stepped out of the way of the next person in line as they walked away from the counter and ended up walking across the cafe to Sam. It wasn't like he could just turn around and walk out. He wasn't thinking about the help he needed on the hunt at all now, although he'd definitely cite that as a factor in going over.

"So... It's been a while." Yeah, Dean was a master wordsmith. Considering the fact he hadn't known anything about Sam or his whereabouts until getting shoved at him by a hunt, it was no surprise that he couldn't think of much to say. He put his bag on the floor and sat down across from Sam, setting his coffee down on the table. He couldn't help but grin, because even if Sam wasn't overly excited to see him, it had been a long time. "Jesus, Sam, it's so good to see you. Looks like California's treating you pretty well. Guess you're liking it?"

It really did seem like Sam was happy, which Dean was glad for. He had been angry at Sam for a long time, with the way Sam had abandoned them and all, but in the end he hadn't been able to stay mad. Everyone wanted to get out of the hunting life at some time or another, but not many of them managed it. Sam had done with no money or contacts, and he'd made it to fucking Stanford. Dean couldn't help but be proud of him, especially since he was in an intensive field like legal studies. Even if he'd switched majors, that was quite an accomplishment.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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LadyLizard
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:38 am

He realized the moment that Dean seemed to scope out his clothes and forced himself not to hide his hand that had the ring on display. When his brother headed over, his chewed on the inside of his lip, and watched him move across the cafe.

He didn't speak even when Dean did at first, just stared at him, cataloging the differences since he'd seen him over six years ago. He was broader, more freckled, and a little rougher around the edges. He looked tired, mostly, although not quite as haggard as their father had been. He looked good.

Clearing his throat at the sound of his name, Sam looked over at the table, and then back to Dean. He nodded curtly.

"Um..yeah. I guess.." He blinked, as if coming out of a dream.

"Dean.." Christ. He hadn't said that name out loud in so long. It was a bit weird. He didn't imagine things to work out that way. "You..." He grabbed his coffee to down half of it. "Bobby sent you, didn't he? I'm guessing he didn't mention who I was..since he didn't mention who you are." He shook his head. Figures he would trick them into talking to each other.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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LadyLizard
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:39 am

Sam staring at him was a little weird, but Dean couldn't really blame him. After all, six years could really change up a guy's looks. He was sure he looked worse for wear, since he'd been hunting monsters pretty consistently, although most of his new scars were on his torso and shoulders.

His brother didn't look too much different, apart from the longer hair, and Dean was glad for that. He could only imagine the scrapes they would have gotten into if they'd been hunting together for the last six years. While Sam had usually been the one to level out Dean's more interesting plans, they'd still been in plenty of trouble growing up. Dean had had to mature a little, working on his own, especially since he wasn't too interested in losing his head to some kind of monster.

Dean chuckled as Sam seemed unable to get a sentence together. He didn't seem overjoyed to see him, but he didn't look very antagonistic, either. "Nah, he didn't tell me anything about who I was meeting. Didn't tell me half as much as he usually does about people he sends me to. Made me curious, I'll say that, but I never thought it would be you. It's a hell of a surprise. And a good one, don't get me wrong. I missed you. You still going to school at Stanford?"
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

User avatar
LadyLizard
Posts: 2391
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2017 2:47 am
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:39 am

Something inside Sam loosened at the sound of his brother's laugh. Tears prickled at the edge of his eyes but he shoved them back and hid a sigh of relief when they didn't return. He didn't realize how much he missed Dean until he was right in front of him. He'd honestly thought that he would never see him again. And it hurt to think that. Because if there was anyone in his life he'd give his right hand for, it was his big brother who did everything for him.

He bit down his tongue when Dean said he missed him and let himself relax the rest of the way.

"..I..." Christ. Why was it so hard to talk? He wanted to tell Dean everything but it all just jumbled in his mind. He felt like he was suddenly floating.

Taking a deep a breath, Sam focused.

"Shit." He let himself laugh and didn't bother to hide how wet it sounded. "Christ. I-I just finished, actually. Last semester. I got a BA in Linguistic Anthropology and Latin." He smiled a little bit. "I'm working as a TA right now, technically, and they want me full time but..I'm still thinking about what I wanna do. I have a few options."

He eyed his brother. "What about you? Well-I mean..obviously you're still hunting..but how are you?"
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

User avatar
LadyLizard
Posts: 2391
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2017 2:47 am
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:40 am

Dean almost grinned again at the way Sam was still tongue-tied. When his brother laughed, he couldn't help doing the same. It really had been a long time, and now that he was seeing Sam again it felt like it had been even longer. Maybe this time he'd manage to stay in touch with him, at least call every week or so like he did with their dad. Although the two of them had been closer than he'd been with his father, to be honest. He hadn't expected Sam to ever come back once he'd gotten out of the hunting life, and he couldn't have blamed him. Besides, hunter or not, Sam was still his brother, and Dean would always be there for him. That was just how having a brother worked. You were a wingman, bodyguard, parent, and friend, all rolled into one.

Dean nodded along as Sam explained what he'd been up to recently. He couldn't help a proud grin at the news of Sam's achievements. "You're doing pretty damn good for yourself, Sammy. I'm proud of you." He hadn't been one to share his feelings too much as they were growing up, especially once he'd hit the teenage years, but when a guy hadn't seen his brother in so long, there were exceptions to standard behaviour.

Sam asking about his own life made him shrug. He'd never been one to talk about himself much, but it wasn't like Sam didn't deserve to know. "Yeah, I'm still hunting. There's been a few tough things over the years, but that comes with the job. You don't get away from the rough stuff unless you get out of the life, y'know? But there's high spots here and there. Like, uh, last year I got this wendigo, that almost killed the head of the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources. So now I've got this free pass to all the state parks go up there. Took a couple days off in fall. It was pretty nice, come to think of it." Dean had never been the gung-ho outdoorsy type, but that wasn't to say he'd refuse some free time off by himself. "I just take the good with the bad and in the end it all comes out all right. Sleeping at night." He grinned and joked, "Trying to eat stuff that's not deep-fried or sugar-coated."
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

User avatar
LadyLizard
Posts: 2391
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:40 am

Damn. It hadn't even been five minutes and Dean was saying everything he could to make Sam into a sobbing mess. And he probably didn't even realize. Sam could see how genuine he was being and it was tearing him up. He didn't expect his brother to be anything but angry at him, like their father, but of course Dean would be proud of him. He'd always been proud of him.

Trying not to choke on his feelings, Sam smiled softly. "Thanks," he managed. As he answered his question, Sam felt a familiar worry, but he was glad that Dean did seem okay despite everything. He still looked young and like he could appreciate the simple things. He wasn't completely jaded like their dad after everything.

"I'm glad," he said honestly. After a second, he drank some more coffee. "I missed you too, Dean. So much. I'm..sorry." He looked down, ashamed and not bothering to hide it. "I..figured you'd be angry. After I just..left. It was stupid. I was selfish and scared so I didn't call. But I've missed you so much-I didn't mean to cut things off, I swear."
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

User avatar
LadyLizard
Posts: 2391
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2017 2:47 am
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:40 am

Dean could tell Sam was worried about him as he related what he'd been up to, but that wasn't anything new for either of them. They'd been pretty inseparable until Sam had run off to college. It seemed like there wasn't much for either of them to worry about now. Sam was doing well in college, better than Dean could have hoped for. And Dean, well, he was alive and healthy and had more skin than scar tissue, so he was pretty content with that.

He nodded as Sam said he was glad. They both could have done a lot worse, especially considering where they'd come from. In all honesty, he'd always expected his brother to go farther than him, and he didn't mind it as much as he'd thought he would when he was younger. Dean glanced down at his own cup as Sam apologized. He'd like to be able to say that it was okay and that everything was behind them, but Dean really had missed him.

"I was kinda pissed for a while," he admitted, looking at the tabletop between them. "Couldn't figure out why you wouldn't even call me. Didn't blame you for wanting to cut off the hunting life. Pestered Dad and Bobby for months, though, trying to figure out if they knew what you were up to." He chuckled to himself. "Always figured you'd be making something of yourself. But really, Sammy, keep in touch, okay? I was worried about you. Kept checking California news, even though I didn't know if you were still here or not. It was the only lead I had, so, I mean..."

He didn't really know what to say after that, how to convey worry and sleepless nights and frantic calls the few times something had come up that might have been his brother. "Whatever you were scared about, that kept you from calling, you don't need to be. I'm your brother, Sammy, I'm always gonna there for you. If there's one thing that hadn't changed over the years, it's that I'm still behind your choices a hundred percent."
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

User avatar
LadyLizard
Posts: 2391
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2017 2:47 am
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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:40 am

Sam had always thought that Dean could do better but chose not to. He'd learned how to read and write from Dean teaching him. It wasn't like he didn't know the other man was capable. He'd graduated with his GED but he could have graduated high school regardless because he was just as intelligent as Sam. If not more so, considering his smarts were more technical. But..they were different. Dean did like hunting, even if he did crave stability or not, and Sam never liked the danger of it. It scared him to know he could lose his family so easily.

Of course, he understood that they both made their own decisions. He still resented their father at times, and Dean for choosing him in a roundabout way, but he was mature enough now to see that that wasn't necessarily that easy. Things weren't as black and white as all that.

Sam sighed when Dean admitted he was worried and guilt crashed into him in waves. He spent a lot of time fighting himself on that very decision.

"I don't blame you but I am sorry. I didn't..I had issues," he said after a second, not being able to hold the thought back. He looked up to meet his brother's gaze. "It's not your fault-I just had shit I had to work out on my own. And yeah, it was selfish." He crossed his arms in front of him.

"I can't expect you not to have been angry. I'm not going to bother to make excuses. You don't deserve that." Picking at the croissant in front of him, he smeared raspberry jam over his plate.

"I know," he said with a sigh. "I do. I'm sorry, Dean. I just felt..trapped. And it's not your fault." He snorted. "It's not even Dad's fault. I blamed him for shit but I know he tried his best. And you sure as hell did. I didn't make it easy. I just..I needed to leave. And not calling..it made easier to act like I was making the right decision." Because sometimes it hadn't felt like it had been for a long time.

"And then..by the time I realized..I just..figured you were better off without me." He shrugged and looked down at that. "I guess Bobby didn't think so, huh?"
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:40 am

Dean listened quietly as Sam talked. There wasn't much he could say, because he really had been worried and Sam did need to explain himself, brother or not. If they didn't get it out of the way now, it would end up being a problem somewhere down the road. He was sure of that, at least, because the Winchesters had enough problems without buried emotions getting into the mix. Getting Sam back into his life was almost a miracle, and he was more than happy that they were together again, so he certainly didn't want things to get screwed up later.

Sure, they were different. He'd chosen hunting, letting go of any chance of a normal life because he felt obligated to help people, to help their dad. And Sam had managed to get out of it, even if he had gone a little too cold turkey for Dean's tastes. When it came down to it, Dean could have left whenever he wanted, but he hadn't wanted their dad to be abandoned by both his sons. If Sam ever had contacted them, he wouldn't have wanted to risk missing him because he was off gallivanting across the country.

When Sam looked up at him, Dean couldn't help searching his eyes for some kind of trouble. He was worried on instinct, still almost in disbelief that Sam was here. The talk of 'issues' was pretty broad - hell, it could be anything from a parking ticket to a murder spree. But Sam didn't look too badly off, and he hadn't heard anything in the news like that, so... Dean chose to believe his brother was okay. Hopefully.

Dean chuckled. "Yeah, Bobby's probably getting a kick out of this. Wouldn't surprise me if he's had this planned for a while." It would be just like Bobby to have something cooked up in case there was ever a chance for him to get the brothers back together. No wonder he'd driven their dad nuts.

"Sam, these issues you mentioned... What was it, drugs, girls, money? I can help if you need it, and I won't tell a soul. Me being here for you isn't conditional. Never was, never will be." The last thing Sam needed if he had some kind of addiction was an enabler, but Dean couldn't help wanting to be of assistance if his brother needed a hand. Like he'd said, Sam was permanently stuck with him, at least until he made it clear he didn't want to be.

Despite the fact that he was a professional monster killer, Dean constantly worried over his little brother. It had driven them both crazy at times, he was sure, and probably John even more so. But ever since Sam was old enough to start getting in trouble, Dean had tried to keep him safe. Even if he was the one who had gotten them both into that trouble. In no way was Dean a perfect guardian angel, being the cause of almost as much trouble as he got Sam out of, but he'd always tried his best.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:41 am

Sam nodded in agreement. He was sure that Bobby had it all planned out. Especially considering he normally didn't meet hunters personally for any work he did. Absently, he wondered if the hunt itself was even real.

At his brother's question, Sam mentally cursed. Of course Dean would latch on to the one thing Sam hadn't wanted him to. He knew he shouldn't have said it to begin with but he had wanted to explain at least a little bit.

The truth was, there was more than one reason he had left, and it hadn't just been his need to go to college. His powers was a huge part of it, although he'd itended to ignore them. He had felt trapped and isolated in the life they led. And he sure as hell had wanted to study. But there were things that even Sam knew were never going to be right with him. And he'd been hellbent on making sure that Dean never found out about it. Not when he mattered so much to him.

Sighing softly, Sam shook his head. "It's not anything like that. I..it's the past." Well, not really, but he was determined to make it so, if Dean stuck around in his life. "I don't really wanna go into it but I promise I'm okay. I've dealt with it, and I'm fine, so you don't have to worry."

That part was true at least. He had dealt with it, come to terms with who he was and what he wanted, and he could acknowledge that somethings you couldn't control.

He offered his brother a smile. "And I didn't knock someone up," he assured him, rolling his eyes. He wouldn't have been the one out of the two of them to have some kids out there and they both knew it.

Relaxed now, Sam bit into his croissant, finishing it off in a few bites. He washed it down with his coffee and looked back over to the counter.

"Um. I don't usually do..business personally, which was why I said to meet me at a cafe. And we should probably talk about that a little more too, since you're probably curious." Considering he left hunting and now was helping hunters? He was sure his brother would have questions. "Did you wanna maybe go back to my place? We can order lunch..?" He tried not to look too hopeful but he was pretty sure he was failing.

"I mean if you don't want to-" He bit his lip. "You don't have to."
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:41 am

Dean frowned a little as Sam said his problems were in the past. He wasn't really sure if Sam was telling the truth or lying to make him feel better. Still, he'd like to believe that Sam would be honest with him, so he only shrugged. When Sam continued he listened carefully, and by the time his brother was done Dean was fairly convinced that he was telling the truth. "If you say you've got a handle on it, then you've got a handle on it." And he wasn't the kind to agree with Sam to his face only to go around behind his back to see if Sam was really okay. His brother wouldn't have deserved it if he was.

Dean was determined to take things at face value as much as he could. Normal relationships didn't work on a basis of suspicion. Besides, whatever had driven Sam away from the family had obviously motivated him to do really well for himself, so Dean couldn't completely hate it, even if he wanted to. Sam would have told him if he still had problems or things were really serious, or at least Dean was fairly sure he would have. They hadn't kept many secrets during their childhood and he was hoping that wouldn't change. A lot of other things had, and he was okay with that, but Dean wanted to keep their relationship as intact as they could manage.

He snorted when Sam said he hadn't knocked anyone up. Yeah, Sam definitely wasn't the type for that. Dean would bet he'd had a few girl- or boyfriends since leaving the family, though. If he ever found out for sure one way or the other, Dean intended on teasing him to death about it. Although it would have been nice if Sam had had someone there for him if he needed it.

Dean nodded in agreement when Sam mentioned him being curious. His little brother had disappeared off the face of the earth as far as his family knew, and yet he'd been helping hunters out and staying in contact with Bobby enough for the older man to set up them meeting. Yeah, he had a lot of things he wanted to know, although he wasn't going to push any further into the reasons for Sam's leaving. If his brother ever wanted to tell him, he could do it on his own time and in his own way. "Going back to your place sounds great, I'd love to" he said, offering a smile when he realized how nervous Sam was. "We can get a pizza or something, or whatever you usually do. I still have the cooking talent of a marmot, though, so if you want to make something at home, you're totally on your own."
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:41 am

Sam was honestly a little worried that Dean was trusting him so easily. Even after leaving, Dean still had faith in him. And here he was doing the exact thing Dean was against; using magic. And sure it was a part of him, and Dean may understand that in the way their father might not, but Sam was too scared to risk it. Especially considering he had only just talked to him for the first time in six years.

Yeah..he's leave it off for now. Maybe forever. He doubted that Dean planned on settling down like Sam had.

Nodding and smiling, Sam got up to throw away his garbage and slipped on his beanie over his head again. "Yeah, I'm too lazy. We can order pizza." He'd learned how to cook by now enough to sustain himself but he really wasn't a master chef by any means. Take out was always the better and easier option. Mostly because there were plenty of organic restaurants in California.

Leading the way once Dean got up, he stuck his hands in his pockets and headed down the sidewalk. The place was close enough that he walked there so they would make it quickly enough.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:42 am

Dean grinned at Sam claiming to be lazy. A guy didn't get a BA in two years by being lazy, especially at a place like Stanford. His little brother never did take enough credit for himself. Pizza sounded good, though, even if Sam wasn't likely to go for the ridiculously unhealthy stuff that Dean usually went for. Sam was lazy about as often as Dean ate something good for him. Learning to cook probably would have helped, but he'd managed to burn a pot that had once had water in it and had set several things on fire in the microwave. Eventually he'd given up after losing half his hearing to smoke alarms.

"Baby will be fine here, right?" he asked as they walked down the sidewalk. The last thing he needed was for his car to be vandalized or stolen while he was off with his brother. She was a nice-looking car, not to mention the fact she performed as well as she looked. It was a rare combination, and Dean would be really pissed if someone stole the car he'd grown up in, even if it appeared to be a garbage can on wheels. He'd kept his car in way better condition than that, though, something he prided himself on. Keeping a car in good condition without a steady paycheck was tough.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:42 am

Sam paused mid stride at the mention of the car and turned to face his brother.

"Baby? She's here?" Of course she was. How did he not hear her before? Dean wouldn't go anywhere without her. Hadn't ever after their father gave it to him when he turned 18. He didn't wait for his brother to answer and looked around. He spitted a black familiar tail in the other direction a bit farther from the cafe.

Immediately he went over, hand gliding over her as he moved around her. He smiled, dimples showing, and rubbed the top of her. "Wow. She's in good shape," he said, not realizing how much he missed the car until now. He'd grown up in the dsmn thing. It was more home than most other places until he moved into the house he was in now.

He looked up at his brother, eyes shiny. "Can I drive?"
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:42 am

Dean couldn't figure out why his brother was stopping at first, but that changed as soon as he saw Sam's face. He only nodded in reply, since Sam was already looking around. As Sam took off for her, he followed with a grin on his face. Ever since he'd first gotten the car, he'd never driven anything else. Nothing compared to the Impala, and not just because he grew up in it. There was something special about her, even though there had been plenty of others made.

"Yeah, I do my best to keep her that way," Dean replied, proud of his brother's assessment. "I take care of her and she takes care of me. Probably been to all the continental states by now." He'd put a lot of miles on her, sure, but she barely showed them. She was in better shape than some newer cars, Dean's lack of income aside.

"Eh, you sure you wanna drive?" he teased, digging into his jacket for his keys. "I mean, she's just a little old thing." He tossed Sam the keys and opened the driver's side door for himself. Although he was usually horribly territorial over his car, he couldn't find it in himself to turn down Sam, especially with the look he was giving him. "Not a scratch on her, Winchester," he warned as he set his bag on the floor by his feet.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:43 am

He didn't have the same relationship with the car that Dean had. That was obvious since day one. It used to be Dad's car but since Dean was old enough to say "mine" he had said it about Baby. Sam thought of it as a home, sure, and she was damn special. But she wasn't his. Not really.

It didn't mean he didn't care about her or didn't miss her though.

Smiling, he nodded firmly. "Hell yeah." He grabbed the keys out of the air and immediately moved to get in the car. Fitting himself in the seat, Sam closed the door, and bit his lip. She still smelled the same, looked just about the same, including the three day old wrappers on the floor.

Turning her on, Sam smiled wide at the sound she made. "Jesus," he said, palming the steering wheel. "She still purrs." Shooting his brother a look when the radio turned on automatically, he put her in reverse and go out of the curb.

"You're still stuck in the 80s?" He rolled his eyes and thumbed the cassette section of the radio, turning it off and turning the radio on instead. A softer rock song played on low as he made his way down the street. Sue him for taking advantage of his position as the driver but the house was only a few blocks away.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:43 am

Dean almost laughed at Sam's enthusiasm. He'd never be angry at Bobby again, cross his heart and hope to die. They both owed him a big one for today. The passenger side was hardly a familiar place for Dean, but it was Baby and so it was comfortable. Roadside home or not, Baby had always been special to him, ever since he'd been old enough to claim her. John had found it amusing at first, but eventually he'd given in to the inevitable and handed over the keys. It was one of few things that Dean could really and truly thank him for, and it made up for a lot of the less positive experiences. Besides, Dean had barely changed anything about her, right down to the 'interior decorating' that mostly consisted of wrappers and the pistol hidden under the driver's seat.

"Of course she purrs, Sammy. I always take care of my Baby." Even before John had officially gifted the car to him, Dean had taken it upon himself to do all the maintenance on her ever since he was old enough to see what was under the hood without needing a stool. Some things never changed. He snorted at the look his brother gave him. "Eyes on the road. And yes I am stuck in the 80s, most proudly, thanks." He huffed playfully as Sam switched the station and stretched back in the seat. "I bet she feels good, huh?" Sam hadn't driven her in forever, but Dean didn't mind handing over the keys, at least just this once.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:43 am

Sam rolled his eyes at his brother but did watch what he was doing carefully and maneuvering her on the city streets with caution. He'd become used to being in the back seat or the passenger seat but he had learned to drive in Baby just like Dean had. And he'd always feel a familiar sense of calm being in her.

Nodding, Sam pulled up on his street but drove slower on purpose. "Yeah. She's great." He went around the block one more time before finally pulling over in his place and rubbing his palm over the dashboard before turning her off.

He didn't have a garage but she had a perfect spot in the front of the place. He handed the keys over after a second. "Thanks." It wasn't every day that Dean let him drive her and he appreciated it after so long even more. Getting out, he nodded towards the house.

It was a one bedroom townhouse, with a short path up the side of the house. He didn't own, just rented, but there was enough space for him alone. There was someone living in the back house across a small path on the other side but he got lucky with the main entrance.

He led the way in and opened the door with his keys. The front of the house had a short step. There were cat eyes hanging in a windchime but discreetly enough that someone wouldn't notice unless they were looking. He was sure that Dean would recognize them.

Under the welcome mat there was a devil's trap, of course, and he let Dean go in before he closed the door behind him.

"It's not a big place but it has a big enough shower for me and I don't have to share with anyone," he mentioned as he motioned for him to keep going. The living room was small but it fit a long couch and a TV stand with DVDs stacked up on the bottom. The kitchen had a counter which is what separated it from the living room and then there was a short hall way where the bedroom and the bathroom split up on each side.

"You want something to drink?" He let Dean do what he wanted as he moved to grab them drinks, grabbing a book he left on the counter and shoving it on a small bookcase he kept against one wall. The more incriminating books were in the bedroom, at least, but he didn't care to rouse any suspicions. At least Dean knew he liked studying lore. That would make it easier.

Taking out his phone, he dialed the pizza place nearby, and offered his brother his drink before sitting down. "Your usual?" He asked him, and then ordered two pizzas. One with everything on it except lamb for Dean and a mushroom/Greek pizza for himself. He didn't bother to tell his brother that they were an organic, healthy place. The pizza was just as delicious as one that would give you a heart attack.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:43 am

At least Sam was careful with Baby, although Dean knew better than to expect anything else from his brother. The Impala was special to both of them. After all, they'd both learned to drive in her and had grown up in her. She wasn't the best substitute for an actual house, but she was good enough for Dean. He'd been living out of her pretty consistently for the last few months, especially when his hunts led him into more rural areas.

"No problem," Dean said, taking the keys back. He pulled his bag after him and shut the door. "She still runs pretty well after all these years." Which he was really proud of. Nobody had ever thought the Winchester boys would go very far beyond the hunting world, but they'd managed it. Or at least, Sam had managed it and Dean had found a place he was content with himself. He really wouldn't give up the hunting life, though, not as long as he still saved people and took to the roads in Baby. Sometimes things like that had to be good enough for guys like him.

He looked over the house as they walked toward it, nodding to himself at what he saw. Sam had chosen a nice place, and as they got closer Dean noticed cat eyes in the windchime. He was sure there were demon traps and other precautions around the place but didn't bother asking. If Sam was being cautious, then good; if he wasn't, then Dean didn't want to make things awkward for him.

The inside of the building was concise but taken care of. Dean was obviously curious, not just from a hunter's viewpoint but from a brother's as well. From what he saw, Sam had made a nice home for himself. The news that he didn't share surprised Dean a little, since he'd been expecting Sam to have a steady girlfriend or boyfriend or something if he was still alive. He was hardly one to talk, though, with his reputation for one night stands.

"Yeah, I'll take a Coke or something if you've got it in there." Dean set his bag down on the couch, figuring that's where they'd be least likely to accidentally step on it or something. The last thing he needed was to wreck this hunt before it got started. He noticed Sam moving over by the bookcase but figured he was just cleaning things up a little. It wasn't like he kept a very clean room himself, but Sam had usually been better at that kind of thing than he had.

"Yeah, usual is fine," he answered, taking the drink. He didn't know where Sam was ordering from but figured it would be pretty good. Raised on the road or not, they both liked good-tasting food, even if Sam was more health-conscious than Dean. Mostly because Dean had no self-preservation skills when it came to what he should and shouldn't eat.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:43 am

"She really does," he agreed, running a hand down her front, before making his way into the house.

He grabbed a soda for his brother, honestly surprised he didn't ask for a beer, and handed it over. After buying the pizza, he hung up his phone, and put it on the small end table he had. Kicking off his shoes and jacket, he threw it over the couch.

"Pizza should be here in less than thirty minutes. They're pretty close," he told him. Traffic was usually the only thing that made it take longer because California traffic was a pain in the ass. It was one of the reasons he didn't bother with a car. There were faster ways of getting around and it saved up a hell of a lot of money since the school was nearby.

"Um. So..to get it out of the way.." He sighed and rubbed his face. "How's Dad? Bobby sent you alone. That's surprising. Why isn't he with you?" He expected them to be hunting together. That's how it usually was, considering that John never let Dean go off on his own. His eyebrows furrowed. "He's okay, right?" God. The thought of him being hurt made him queasy. He knew his father would have gotten hurt a million times over in the last six years but hearing about it was harder to do than imagining it. "Laid off somewhere waiting for you to come back with the translation, I take it?"

He couldn't imagine that John wouldn't go himself if he needed information but maybe it was another way things had changed while he was gone.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:44 am

Considering it was California, thirty minutes was a nice time frame. He nodded in agreement, taking a sip of his soda. Usually he'd have asked for something with a higher alcohol content, but he didn't know if Sam had gotten away from that part of the hunting life as well. Besides, if they were going to be talking he wanted to keep a clear head as best as he could.

Dean was surprised that Sam got right into discussing things, but they might a well get it all out of the way. "Dad's fine, as far as I know. Talked to him last Saturday, haven't heard from him since." He hesitated, not sure how to explain the way things have changed. "Yeah, he's fine, or at least not in life-threatening danger the last time we talked." 'Okay' was a rather broad term when referring to hunters. Sometimes people weren't doing too well and looked like they were, but Dean was pretty sure that John was actually doing all right.

"Uh, we're not working on this one together," Dean admitted, trying not to make it sound serious. "He's got a werewolf case in the flyover states. Illinois, I think he said. We, uh, we work separate cases most of the time. Sometimes one of us gets in on something and needs backup, but otherwise we kind of leave each other alone. If we do work with partners it kind of tends to be other hunters. Bobby gives him heads-up on stuff but I mostly work off things I see in the paper. It works, you know, we keep in touch and do our best not to be stupid. Things have kind of changed a little. Not your fault, though," he added quickly. Which was a lie, since it was John's disapproval of his younger son that had started driving them apart in the first place.
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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Re: [18+] I'm trying, but I'm graceless [mxm] don't have the sunny side to face this [/r]

Post by LadyLizard » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:44 am

Sam's eyebrows furrowed at the vague response he got from his brother. "As far as you know?" He expected to actually know. He knew that John went AWOL sometimes, especially when they were too young to hunt, but he expected the two of them to be together now that Sam wasn't around.

Dean's attempt to make things seem light hearted failed spectacularly and Sam crossed his arms over his chest. As he continued, Sam's expression got more worried, and he put his drink down to regard him seriously.

"Dad let's you go off on your own for hunts. You don't even work together anymore? What the hell?" He knew he had no right to say anything against what they did, it was his fault and he knew it, but he couldn't help but be worried about the state of things.

"Is..I mean..what about hunting together..You're supposed to take care of each other.." He sounded ridiculous, like a child, but he couldn't help it. He knew things would have changed with him not there but the one thing that he thought he could count on was his brother and father always watching each other's backs. They were a family, in the way that Sam had always felt he never fit, so how had it come to this?

"But..is it because of me? Because I left?" He shook his head. "Dean..what the fuck happened?"
When I was a child, I heard voices...
Some would sing and some would scream.
You soon find you have few choices...
I learned the voices died with me.

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